Wellness Diary: Week 9

At the end of Week 8 I weighed myself and found that I lost a pound after staying steady for weeks. This sent me into a panic, as losing weight usually does.

I am not sure that many can relate to freaking out when the scale goes down; most people celebrate weight loss. But for me, when I see the scale move down I begin to panic. The reasons for this are manifold as all reasonings for complex reactions are: they relate to trauma and, of course, fear.

Nevertheless, there it is.

I lost a pound and spent the next few days in an overeating binge haze, trying ostensibly to regain that weight and more.

My second reaction after this was to vow to never weigh myself again, trying to pin down the symptom of the problem as if fixing THAT would fix the underlying real problem.

Self-awareness goes a long way, and has helped me un-do my ridiculous thinking patterns over the years.

No, stopping weighing myself is not going to take care of my problem. I have learned that avoidance only conjures MORE avoidance, and that when piled on top of my already-pretty-strong trauma around weight, only makes the problem worse.

What needs to be done is what has ALWAYS needed to be done, and continues to GET done: I need to hunker down deep into my anxiety and phobia and trauma and LOOK at what is happening, and FEEL what is happening so that I can understand it. It’s a tough thing to understand, but I DO know what is going on, and I DO know how to fix. I have the key to everthing.

I just need to continue on my journey as a voice inside tells me that I am not perfect enough to continue it. I hear that voice. I acknowledge it. I reach out my arms to hug the girl who speak that way to herself. She can either choose to take that hug or not…but it’s there no matter what, and without judgment for her.

So, I continue on to Week 9, having lost no weight in 9 weeks, having questioned myself time and time again, having thought about quitting this journey….but staying dedicated to myself. Here in Week 9, I’m not giving up because my goals are more than weight loss. My goal is to live my best life, standing in my strength, which means never avoiding my weaknesses, but positioning them as tools to help me know myself better.

I believe that THIS approach is what really changes lives.

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